In life, adversity is inevitable-whether misfortune materializes in the form of personal challenges or unexpected setbacks, obstacles will appear and it’s up to us to determine if they are insurmountable, or not. But, when we are unable to control the existential crisis or challenge that presents itself, we do, however, have the power to control our response. Resilience is influenced by a multitude of outside factors and is not “inside” a person or manufactured in a pharmaceutical lab. Cultivating resilience is about forging the inner mental and emotional strength needed to navigate those tough times and come out stronger on the other side. Building resilience is not about learning how to erase hurtful memories and avoiding the suffering that they bring, but learning how to heal through the discomfort, bounce back, and like a rose rising through a crack in the concrete, grow from the pain. Resilience is not a skill, but a mindset that can help us reframe and view obstacles as opportunities for growth and self-discovery. Like building a muscle or acquiring a new skillset, cultivating resilience takes time, repetition, discipline, ownership and intentionality.
True strength can not be given or passively learned; it must be earned. This journey is an ongoing act of will that requires effort and sacrifice, but in this effort lies the beauty of life. Being honest with oneself is necessary, face reality with courage, integrity and the unwavering commitment to self-Reflection and knowledge. We must accept our faults as part of the process of growth.
When something bad happens, we often relive the event over and over in our heads, replaying the painful memories again and again, especially if a person presents as anxious or has underlining traits of OCD. Unfortunately, this is common, and it is referred to as rumination. It’s the cognitive wheels of our mind being stuck in the mud and won’t move us forward. This occurs because you are processing events and trying to find reasons why they happened. (If you tend to ruminate/think in worst case scenarios, research Catastrophizing).
Finding meaning
In the book, A Man’s Search for Meaning, Viktor Frankl writes about the importance of finding meaning, even if that meaning exists in suffering. Often, adversity is referred to an unpleasant situation or hardship that brings with it a sense of helplessness. Nevertheless, the situation becomes easier to navigate when you find a deeper sense of meaning or purpose in the suffering. Ponder what the situation/challenge might be teaching you, reflect on values, strengths and opportunities for growth. Whether it’s your attitude, your actions, behaviors, or the next small step forward, taking control of what you can, helps you to regain a sense of power and agency. This is not to invalidate your feelings or the difficult situation, but by re-framing the hardship and finding meaning in the suffering provides us an opportunity for growth and can make the situation feel more manageable.
“Between stimulus and response there is space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” V.F.
“Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms-to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.” V.F.
Building resilience is hinged to your physical well-being and presentation. Regular exercise, healthy eating and getting adequate sleep can all help with building self-esteem, improve confidence, mental clarity, increase energy levels and create emotional stability. (If exercising is a new concept), large goals can feel overwhelming, instead, set small, realistic goals that help you achieve progress. These small wins build momentum and create a sense of achievement and accomplishment. For example, it’s a lot easier to start the journey of weight loss when you create small, realistic goals. It’s more manageable to process losing five lbs, five times, than setting a goal of losing 25 lbs. The result is the same but viewing it this manner makes the small goals more obtainable, and creates a sense of accomplishment, which in turn creates momentum. A small win is still a win. To quote the Roman stoic Seneca, “We treat the body rigorously so it’s not disobedient to the mind.” Regarding nutrition, research information on the “Gut-brain axis” and look out for a future informational blog on the topic.
Act during difficult times, do not ignore the problems and even if you were wronged or hurt, try not to view yourself as a victim. Plan and figure out what needs to be done in order to begin the journey of becoming the best version of yourself. It can take time to recover from a setback and it might have pierced your armor but remember that this thing is not a lethal agent. When a person lacks resilience, they can get stuck and ruminate on the problem and turn towards unhealthy coping techniques such as substance use, unhealthy eating, isolating or risky, impulsive behaviors that feel good in the moment, but can have a lasting impact. If this is happening, first acknowledge the unhealthy coping skills and retool, whether a hard pivot is required or just a micro-adjustment is needed, your future self will thank you for it.
Change Model
Let’s briefly review the four stages of “Change model” regarding resilience and momentum. The first stage is “pre-contemplation”, this is when a person is not currently considering change in their behavior. This could be due to a lack of insight and ownership or an unwillingness to embrace discomfort. The second stage is “contemplation”, this is the stage when a person is aware of change and is currently thinking of making an adjustment, but not ready for action. The third stage is “action”, this is when the person is committed to implementing change. The finals step in the change model is “maintenance”, this is when the individual has applied action over an extended period. Take a moment and reflect on your current situation to determine what stage you’re in.
Self reflection
Self-reflection also plays a critical role in building resilience by fostering a greater self-awareness, emotional regulation and adapting healthy coping techniques. When people engage in self-reflection, they examine their thoughts, feelings, contributing behaviors and responses to a difficult situation. Reflecting on past challenges allows people to identify what worked and what didn’t, offering insight into how they can implement change when and where it is necessary. Reflecting on setbacks and viewing them as learning opportunities rather than failures encourages a growth mindset. This is an important shift in perspective that allows individuals to see adversity as a chance to develop new skills and gain strength. During self-reflection, it is important to show kindness and grace towards oneself. Having a positive internal dialogue can counter negative thought patterns and foster a healthier and more resilient mindset. Individuals who lack insight practice avoidance or apply misplaced anger to deal with painful situations. This strategy might benefit the individual in the short term, but these aren’t healthy coping techniques and will most likely haunt them later on in life.
Try to maintain a positive mindset during times of adversity. It’s natural to feel helpless and defeated during difficult times, but resilience involves maintaining a hopeful outlook, even when things look bleak. Don’t make the setback the center of your universe, pull back the preverbal lens and look for the good things that still exist in your life, that’s called gratitude. During difficult times, try to focus on the positive aspects of your life, this is where challenging negative thinking techniques comes into play. If you are having difficulty coming up with things that you are grateful for, look up “Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs” and acknowledge a few.
Building resilience is a process that takes time, practice and discipline. It’s a lifelong journey that requires practice, patience, self-compassion, and the willingness to embrace challenges and view them as opportunities for growth. If we cultivate resilience we can navigate life’s inevitable setbacks with strength, grace and perseverance. Resilience is not about avoiding hardship, but about developing the inner fortitude to face it head-on, learn from it, and emerge a stronger version of your previous self.
Support system
A robust support system is critical in forging resilience during challenging times, as it provides emotional stability and practical advice and guidance when navigating the white caps of life. Whether through friends, family, coworkers or professionals, having others who listen, offer encouragement, truly witness your existence, and share their perspectives can significantly ease the burden of a difficult situation. Talking to others can help validate feelings, reduce isolation, and remind us that we are not alone in our struggles. In times of adversity, the presence of others who care can be a source of immense comfort, empowering us to face difficulties with renewed hope, determination and resilience. If you are isolating, please remember that there are numerous studies that show the negative impacts of facing a crisis alone and without support. For reference, Harvard University has recently completed an 80- year study on the impacts of isolation and the importance of healthy relationships, it’s worth taking a look.
Nietzsche in his book “Thus Spoke Zarathustra” emphasized the importance of retreating into oneself to cultivate strength and individuality. Silence and solitude are essential for self-reflection, self-overcoming and exploration of one’s inner world. Ultimately, for Nietzsche, silence is not about a mere absence of sound but about a deeper engagement with one’s inner forces, struggles and potential for growth and resilience.
It’s important to remind yourself that you aren’t alone on your journey. If you feel that you’re unable to function or having difficulty making progress or relying on unhealthy coping techniques, it might be time to talk to a professional. With guidance and direction, you can improve the resiliency needed to forge ahead in the face of adversity.
Lastly, while writing this blog I kept thinking of a less than compassionate quote that I have reflected on lately. Depending on the struggle, our individual hell is a state of mind and that key can appear in many forms, but today that key is resilience.
“The gates of hell are usually locked from the inside.”