It is helpful to understand that grief is our body’s natural response to loss. Loss takes many forms – the passing of a loved one or pet, the ending of an important relationship, the selling of a home, to list a few. Grief is what we feel when we lose something of importance to us. It is not a singular emotion; it is a multifaceted and powerful response experienced uniquely – no two people walk through grief the same way.
Often when grieving, a person can and will experience a multitude of emotions, including great sadness, shock, anger, irritability, guilt and disbelief. Sometimes these feelings are so powerful they temporarily reduce one’s ability to fully function – leading to potential impairment, thoughts of hopelessness and worthlessness and possible substance use.
The grieving process can be challenging, but try not to be ashamed of your feelings or think that they are, in any way, invalid. There is no shame or guilt in grief, so show yourself some grace during this difficult process. Indeed, grief is universal – we will all experience it at some point, though again, the experience is unique. How we feel and handle grief depends on one’s life experience, ability to cope, and how impactful the loss is.
There is no timeline for mourning and it is typical to lose interest in activities and routines in the near term, or experience altered eating and sleeping patterns. This makes sense when we learn that grief is so powerful it can actually lead to “broken heart syndrome” (BHS). People with BHS may experience sudden chest pains so intense that they mimic symptoms of a heart attack. If it keeps you from resuming life at a previous level of functioning or thoughts of self-harm occur, it is time to seek treatment. Turn to a trusted friend or family member or seek out a professional if your grief is too heavy.
Why do we experience grief?
MRI scans and studies have shown that the area of the brain called the nucleus accumbens lights up when we speak fondly of loved ones. It also activates when we experience loss. This area of our brain makes us happy when we are together and sad when we are apart. There is strength and safety in numbers, and we were not meant to be alone. Evolutionary biologists suggest that the protest phase (grief) allows us time to search for our loved ones that are lost; yet it is short enough that we don’t expend energy on a fruitless search. Indeed, grief may be an evolutionary attachment alarm that alerts us to find our loved ones. Another theory is that grief is prevalent within us as a side effect of having relationships. The biological response to separation will produce stress hormones and separation anxiety. The biological message is simply that there is safety in numbers. The downside of grief is the emotional suffering we feel.
Five Stages of Grief
In 1969, psychiatrist Elisabeth Kubler-Ross created the “Five Stages of Grief” while studying the feelings of individuals facing terminal illness:
- Denial
- Anger
- Bargaining
- Depression
- Acceptance
Though the Five Stages of Grief were crafted in response to illness, they are now widely used to describe the process of grief no matter what the cause is. Though these are the most recognizable stages of grief, a person might experience these in any order; they may experience all five or just a few. Grief does not have a templet or follow guidelines.
It’s important to remember that there is no typical response to loss because there is no typical loss. Grieving is as individual as we are. Kubler-Ross herself eventually stated the following about the Five Stages of Grief: “I never meant to help tuck messy emotions into neat packages.”
What to Do About It
There is no easy way to reduce or eliminate the impact of grief; it is a normal process, and we must allow time to heal. The gift that the passage of time presents allows us to level up, to find meaning in suffering; it provides the opportunity to improve oneself.
It is essential to take care of oneself while grieving. Grief can deplete us of energy and motivation, increase isolation and adversely impact self-esteem and self-worth. Own the fact that this will not be easy, but attempt to maintain healthy eating and hygiene, with a focus on sleeping and maintaining previous routines and hobbies.
When speaking about grief, be aware of individuals who will invalidate your feelings of profound sadness, whether by ignorance or malice. Instead, surround yourself with those who can empathize, sympathize, and simply just be present for you. Also, avoid triggers as much as possible during the initial phase of grief. Anniversaries, specific locations or songs could send you on an emotional rollercoaster. Listen to motivational videos and uplifting songs and seek out help from a professional.
Normalize the fact that crying is ok. It is important to understand, especially in males, that crying is a completely normal response to sadness and loss, but it’s okay if one doesn’t cry either. On a side note, it is believed that tears release natural chemical messengers to help alleviate emotional distress.
When dealing with the death of a loved one, pivot from loss to a celebration of life as often as possible by sharing stories and fond memories of the person. When participating in this exercise, take account of the smiles that appear. Give back. It is important to find purpose and meaning in suffering, honor the memory of the deceased by volunteering or creating a memorial or fundraiser.
The grieving period will be hard and unique for each of us. Keep moving forward. Time heals.